“I think a lot about existential meaninglessness. Like when I realize it’s Thursday instead of Monday and that even if it was Saturday it wouldn’t matter because nothing is different about this day of the week or that one. In two months, probably a year, I will be doing what I did today. […] What is the point of this? I wonder. Nothing is ever going to be different. I’m just killing time so that time will be over, not so I can get from here to anywhere else. […] All I really want to do with my life is make other people’s hearts hurt less. Not a realistic or measurable goal, but I do have a few specific hearts in mind. Yours is one. I’ve been given a whole lot of love I don’t deserve, enough second chances to exonerate a serial killer caught in the act, and that kind of thing shouldn’t stop with me. The phrase pay it forward grates on my nerves, but it’s an accurate description. […] The truth is that existentialism doesn’t really apply because the world we live in isn’t absurd or meaningless. Sometimes it seems like it is when we can’t see past what we’re taught is the big picture—the one that just involves our lives—to the real super-big picture of all the lives ever.”
4 responses to “The Renewing of Vows”
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“Well here we are. Where are we?”
I think the answer is “together.” 😉LikeLike
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I wanted to let you know your writings here struck a very particular chord in me — one which, due to my own experiences which are not unlike what you’ve so eloquently yet concisely shared here — has prompted me to take a break from my current writing endeavours (namely the latest revision/proofing of the book I’m working on) and dedicate some time to writing of my own experiences and thoughts on the same topic here in an essay which is long overdue for me to write.
How you’ve dealt with things is, well, all too human — and I’m not saying that in a bad way — not in the slightest, I assure you. I just mean your reactions are very natural in one sense, and logical in another, and what you’ve said here is indicative of you being bright enough and having enough psychological/emotional savvy to navigate such an awful thing with (to judge just from what I’ve read here, which is all the information I really have, obviously) more strength and clarity than most others would and have been able to, so that’s something to be proud of.
Coping with the loss of a friend/loved one via suicide is a *tremendously* difficult issue; writing about the topic as you have is commendable, and while I cannot say I have any answers for you (and certainly none that would fit into a nice neat little comment-box), I’m wagering you’ll find your way through it well enough…And I’m not one for making wagers.
It saddens me to read what you’ve written, of course, and I wish you hadn’t been put in the position to go through it. That doesn’t change that I’m glad you wrote about it, and for that, I thank you.
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I think this is really awesome and beautiful and terrifying. I think I feel like you do a lot of the time. I want so badly to connect with others and know that I'm not a lone voice screaming in the darkness and yet my fear of everyone and whether they will reject me and I will spiral backwards and finally fall down on the child me who has never stopped hurting and fearing gets so overwhelming. I applaud your courage. I only recently managed to blog something half this brave and I am still quaking. Fight the good fight!
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I find this post very brave and pulled at a heart string in me when I finished it. I'm a survivor of two people who were important to me in my life to suicide. It takes a lot of courage to write something about this and be honest with those around you, even strangers, about how it makes you feel.
I can say this, something simple that I hope will help. I might be a stranger passing by and reading what you have to say, but I can relate. You aren't selfish for asking these questions and putting your heart out there is a tough thing. There is a lesson in everything we experience. A lesson in the pain.
I've found it hard to keep my heart open and trust people after all these years. I have a lot to learn but this post made me realize that the questions I ask are not only mine alone. Take care of your heart, that always comes first.
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